I'm trading in my 12-Step Program for the 12 Days of Christmas. Just like that the pall has been lifted and the NBA lives. As you're well aware, after marathon negotiating sessions over Thanksgiving, the NBA and NBA Player's Union reached a deal, and the season is set to start on Christmas Day. There were optimistic signs all week, but this deal still came relatively out of nowhere. My theory is that NBPA lawyer, David Boies, performed a face-transplant procedure, from the movie 'Face/Off', on David Stern which expedited the negotiation process and allowed them to forego in-court legal action. David Stern and I seem to have at least one thing in common, we're both prone to spout end of days hyperboles. All month I've been announcing NBApocalyptic rhetoric, warning fans and writers to guard themselves against this false optimism at the possibility of an NBA season. Now I look like a 'Y2K/2012, the end is near!' nutjob, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather be wrong and live my days in bliss than be right and live my days in an angry alcoholic haze. You might be wondering what is to come of my 'Sobriety Strike' and this blog. Well, I will continue to drink, just not with the fervor of "seven days a week, and twice on schedule-heavy Wednesdays." Instead of devouring copious amounts of libations, I'll be devouring games on League Pass, and with a truncated season, everyday's a Wednesday. I'll continue to have drinks and assign specific drinks to certain games, but not every day, and not every game on tap, which is good because I was starting to feel like this guy.
I've compiled all the drinks I assigned to games during the lockout and noted them beside the correlating teams. Below you will find the results for the Eastern Conference. The fifteen teams have been realigned into three 'drink divisions', and ranked within each division dependant on the drinks consumed during my sobriety strike.
Jack and Coke Division: My favourite drink, and it’s frequently found next to teams in this division. There’s hardly a bad tasting drink in the bunch with plenty of fine liqueur, premium vodka, and delicious cocktails. These teams were a pleasure to follow during my drinking binge.
CHI - White Russian, Jack and coke (2), Crystal Head vodka, Famous Grouse, Zubrowka, Old Fashioned, Red stag and coke, Red Stag and coke, Mount Gay rum
BOS - shot of Stoli (2), Red Stag and coke, White Russian, Vanilla Stoli, Hoegaarden, Jack and coke, Labatt Blue
MIA - Hoegaarden, James Ready 5.5, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Jack and coke (2), Hpnotiq, Jim Beam, Hoegaarden, Godfather, Stoli and cranberry
ORL - Mezcal, James Ready 5.5, Pabst Blue Ribbon, El Dorado rum, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Hpnotiq, Labatt Blue
ATL - Labatt Blue, Red Stag and coke, Lowenbrau, Canadian Club (2), Stinger, Crown Royal, Stoli and cranberry, Labatt 50
Labatt Blue Division: In Canada, Labatt Blue is synonymous with ‘domestic’. It’s a good beer which few people dislike, but apropos, even fewer would claim as their favourite. A modest beer for teams with modest records. Lots of beer, some good mixed drinks, but just as many shitty drinks.
NYK - Hoegaarden, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Jack and coke, Lowenbrau, Cuba Libre, Canadian Club, Labatt Blue (2)
PHI - Labatt Blue, Budweiser, Mezcal, Manhattan (2), Labatt 50 (2), Stoli
IND - Labatt 67, Jack and coke (2), Budweiser, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Manhattan, Labatt Blue, Labatt 50
MIL - Labatt Blue (2) Mount Gay and coke, Budweiser, Mezcal, Smirnoff Ice (2)
DET - Labatt 67, Lowenbrau, Bud Light, Heartbreak cocktail, Stinger, Labatt Blue
Jack n' Grind Division: There are some drinks that no matter how bad of an itch you have to get drunk, you won’t touch. These are the kind of teams that no matter how badly I’m itching to watch the NBA, I won’t watch. A few good cocktails, some fine beers, but too many punishment drinks. Vegas gave Toronto the lowest odds of winning this year’s championship, and looking at these drinks you can see why.
NJN - Jack and coke, Mount Gay and coke, Jim Beam, Canadian Club, Godfather, Budweiser, Labatt Blue, Wild Turkey
WAS - Jack and coke, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Smirnoff Ice, Stoli, Bud Light
CLE - Shot of stoli, Jack n' Grind (2), Pabst Blue Ribbon, OV, Budweiser, Godfather, Bud Light, Smirnoff Ice
CHA - Mezcal, Labatt Blue (2), White Russian, Stinger, Jack n' Grind, Manhattan, Bud Light, Smirnoff Ice
TOR - Jack n' Grind, OV, Bud Light, Labatt 50 (2), Smirnoff Ice
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