When the lockout began I painted a picture of David Stern as an ‘abusive’ commissioner, pondering if I should get out of this ‘relationship’. Then I begged the question of, could a relationship withstand the strain of infidelity [the lockout], and if so, was it even worth saving? Well, call me a glutton for punishment, but the NBA is back, with trade rumours in full-swing, and I’m welcoming it back with open arms and couldn’t be more in love. Now my friends are reminding me of the ‘bad times’ and heartache I endured recently in my relationship with the league, but “they don’t know him like I do.” My feelings for the NBA are all encompassing and unconditional. Sure, the NBA went on Lockout and now instead of an 82 game season we’re getting a condensed 66 game season, but the NBA explained to me that if I don’t make it mad then it won’t hurt me. So in a way, the lockout was my [the fans’] fault, for making it mad and not giving it enough money in the first place. At first I was upset about the shortened 66 game season, till the NBA said, “what’s the matter, 66 games ain’t good enough for ya? Huh!?? What, you rather have a puny 50 game season. You think I like having to only play 66 games!??” To which I replied, “No, no, I’m happy. I know you work hard, and 66 is a lot, I’m sorry. Thank you…thank you.” I’ll just use some concealer to cover up my bruises and put on a big smile. I had to stop watching college ball because the NBA found some PVR’d games I had recorded when it was gone, “what’s this, huh!!?? You cheating on me? Who the hell is DePaul…answer me!!!” I’ve learned my lesson; I won’t cry and gripe when the NBA is gone anymore. I’ll just be happy for any attention it gives me.
I continue my recap of the definitive ‘Sobriety Strike Standings’ with the West Coast. Again, the teams have been realigned into three Drink Divisions and ranked within each division depending on how appetizing the drinks I had for them were:
Red Stag Division: A black-cherry flavoured bourbon, Red Stag isn’t a drink you can have all the time, but delicious on the right occasion, and will get you blotto all the same. Smooth liquers and premium vodkas in this division with very few low-quality drinks (save for the Colt45 I had opening night to ‘pour out some liquor’ for the league).
LAL - Colt45, Goldschlager, Stoli, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Mount Gay, Lowenbrau, Vanilla Stoli, Fireball Whiskey, 42Below Vodka, Labatt Blue
DAL - White Russian (2), Red Stag, OV, Vanilla Stoli, Churchill, Hpnotiq, Crown Royal, Stoli, Jack and coke
OKC - Colt45, Jack and coke (2), Famous Grouse, Stinger, Canadian Club, Rusty Nail, Zubrowka
LAC - Alize, Jack and coke(2), Pabst Blue Ribbon, Crystal Head Vodka, White Russian, Vanilla Stoli, Heartbreak cocktail, Rusty Nail, Red Stag, Mount Gay
MEM - Alize, Laker, Jack and coke (2), Vanilla Stoli, Bud Light, B52, Hpnotiq, 42Below Vodka
Canadian Club Division: The whisky made popular during prohibition, Canadian Club is now the most common dark liquor you’ll find in Canada. A fine drink that goes well with ginger ale or cola, but lacking that quality to ‘anger the blood’ which all great whiskeys have.
SAS - Labatt Blue, Red Stag, Mount Gay (2), Lowenbrau, Famous Grouse, Zubrowka (2), Sidecar
NOH - Jack and coke, Pabst Blue ribbon, Hpnotiq (2), Bud Light, Labatt 50, Godfather
POR - Lakeport, Jack and coke, Pabst Blue Ribbon, El Dorado, Famous Grouse, Manhattan (2), Hpnotiq, Zubrowka, Labatt Blue, Mount Gay
GSW - Goldschlager, Labatt Blue, Mount Gay, Lowenbrau, Alize, Bud Light, Churchill, Labatt 50 (2), Budweiser
UTA - Coors Light, Laker, Jack and coke (2), El Dorado, Canadian Club, Cuba Libre, Rusty Nail
Smirnoff Ice Division: Not nearly as unpalatable as the ‘Jack n’ Grind’ division in the East, but what it lacks in potency it more than makes up for in effeminate correlation. If Budweiser is ‘The King of Beers’ (a truly detestable King who is unsympathetic to his people) then Smirnoff Ice is the ‘Queen of Drinks’.
DEN - Lakeport, OV, El Dorado, Vanilla Stoli, Bud Light, Canadian Club, Rusty Nail, Jack and coke, Red Stag
PHO - Stoli, Jack and coke (2), Pabst Blue Ribbon, El Dorado, Canadian Club, Heartbreak cocktail, Labatt 50 (2), Old Fashioned, Labatt Blue
HOU - Coors Light, Labatt 67, Jack and coke, Budweiser (2), Alize
MIN - Labatt Blue (2), El Dorado, Mezcal, Smirnoff Ice, Sidecar, Budweiser, Bud Light,
SAC - Labatt 67, Labatt Blue (2), Mount Gay, Budweiser, Mezcal, B52, Smirnoff Ice, Sidecar, Labatt Blue
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