“I never played a game sober” the infamous words of former NBA pogo-stick Keon Clark, who was conspicuously left off the ballot for this all-star squad. Taking an eastern philosophy Lao Tzu approach, there is no drunkenness without sobriety, I decided to show some love for those who do not imbibe, and compiled the starting five Teetotaler All-Stars: Team Sober. Scouring the internets I had trouble pin pointing players who were openly sober – although finding players who were sober after a past of substance abuse was not difficult. To determine those players who were not only sober, but actually abstained from alcohol altogether, I searched for those closely associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). Members of this church not only abstain from alcohol, but all stimulants: booze, caffeine, pre-marital sex. There’s only one place that would have these non-drinking, non-cursing, non-sex having hooligans, the capital of Mormonism, Utah. I present to you the Utah Teetotalers:
Center – Shawn Bradley: A google search of ‘Shawn Bradley mormon’ gave me this link. This guy puts Bill Simmons on blast for his ‘constant’ trashing of Bradley. He later goes on to describe Bradley as one of the more underrated centers of his time. One of the luxuries I have with this blog is if I write something truly asinine I can chalk it up to “I was drunk”. This self described 'normal Mormon husband' doesn't have that luxury, and unless this was ghost written by Don Nelson, I don’t know what would inspire him to write a 2000 word article defending this.
Power Forward – Scott Pollard: Whaaaat??!!! Don’t let the crazy hair fool you. Pollard was found on this famous Mormon website. Guess it’s true what they say “you can’t judge a book (of Mormon) by its cover.”
Small Forward – Keith Van Horn: Van Horn went to college at Utah where it was rumoured he was seen ‘holding hands’ with up to four different female groupies in one year! Van Horn, whose most significant contribution to the NBA was being a salary cap place holder during the Jason Kidd to Dallas deal, walked away from the NBA to spend more time with his family. In the pantheon of teetotaler moments, walking away from millions to spend extra time with your family, is right up there. Oh, and turns out this happened.
Shooting Guard – James ‘Jimmer’ Fredette: There was already a ‘James’ in the Fredette family so his mom took to calling him ‘Jimmer’. In a recent interview Fredette was quoted as saying “thanks a friggin’ lot Mom!” Jimmer was last year’s Naismith winner after a stellar senior year at BYU. Many in the Mormon community have exclaimed “This is what it would look like if Joseph Smith played basketball.”
Point Guard – Danny Ainge: Ainge’s fiery on-court personae is a departure from the usual teetotaler mild-manner demeanor, but at point guard you need a passionate leader. Plus, he’s the only one on this list to crack the LDS Top 100.
Thursday's Games (2):
She might be the Kim Kardashian of the rap game, but after seeing this commercial I wanted to get some Amber Rose-endorsed vodka. I was too lazy/hungover and drank some Jack and cokes instead.
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