On the 12th Day of Christmas, my SternCo gave to me...

I'm trading in my 12-Step Program for the 12 Days of Christmas.  Just like that the pall has been lifted and the NBA lives.  As you're well aware, after marathon negotiating sessions over Thanksgiving, the NBA and NBA Player's Union reached a deal, and the season is set to start on Christmas Day.  There were optimistic signs all week, but this deal still came relatively out of nowhere.  My theory is that NBPA lawyer, David Boies, performed a face-transplant procedure, from the movie 'Face/Off', on David Stern which expedited the negotiation process and allowed them to forego in-court legal action.  David Stern and I seem to have at least one thing in common, we're both prone to spout end of days hyperboles.  All month I've been announcing NBApocalyptic rhetoric, warning fans and writers to guard themselves against this false optimism at the possibility of an NBA season.  Now I look like a 'Y2K/2012, the end is near!' nutjob, and I'm fine with that.  I'd rather be wrong and live my days in bliss than be right and live my days in an angry alcoholic haze.  You might be wondering what is to come of my 'Sobriety Strike' and this blog.  Well, I will continue to drink, just not with the fervor of "seven days a week, and twice on schedule-heavy Wednesdays."  Instead of devouring copious amounts of libations, I'll be devouring games on League Pass, and with a truncated season, everyday's a Wednesday.  I'll continue to have drinks and assign specific drinks to certain games, but not every day, and not every game on tap, which is good because I was starting to feel like this guy. 

I've compiled all the drinks I assigned to games during the lockout and noted them beside the correlating teams.  Below you will find the results for the Eastern Conference.  The fifteen teams have been realigned into three 'drink divisions', and ranked within each division dependant on the drinks consumed during my sobriety strike. 

Jack and Coke Division:  My favourite drink, and it’s frequently found next to teams in this division.  There’s hardly a bad tasting drink in the bunch with plenty of fine liqueur, premium vodka, and delicious cocktails.  These teams were a pleasure to follow during my drinking binge.

CHI - White Russian, Jack and coke (2), Crystal Head vodka, Famous Grouse, Zubrowka, Old Fashioned, Red stag and coke, Red Stag and coke, Mount Gay rum

BOS - shot of Stoli (2), Red Stag and coke, White Russian, Vanilla Stoli, Hoegaarden, Jack and coke, Labatt Blue

MIA - Hoegaarden, James Ready 5.5, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Jack and coke (2), Hpnotiq, Jim Beam, Hoegaarden, Godfather, Stoli and cranberry

ORL - Mezcal, James Ready 5.5, Pabst Blue Ribbon, El Dorado rum, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Hpnotiq, Labatt Blue

ATL - Labatt Blue, Red Stag and coke, Lowenbrau, Canadian Club (2), Stinger, Crown Royal, Stoli and cranberry, Labatt 50

Labatt Blue Division: In Canada, Labatt Blue is synonymous with ‘domestic’.  It’s a good beer which few people dislike, but apropos, even fewer would claim as their favourite.  A modest beer for teams with modest records.   Lots of beer, some good mixed drinks, but just as many shitty drinks.

NYK - Hoegaarden, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Jack and coke, Lowenbrau, Cuba Libre, Canadian Club, Labatt Blue (2)

PHI - Labatt Blue, Budweiser, Mezcal, Manhattan (2), Labatt 50 (2), Stoli

IND - Labatt 67, Jack and coke (2), Budweiser, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Manhattan, Labatt Blue, Labatt 50

MIL - Labatt Blue (2) Mount Gay and coke, Budweiser, Mezcal, Smirnoff Ice (2)         

DET - Labatt 67, Lowenbrau, Bud Light, Heartbreak cocktail, Stinger, Labatt Blue

Jack n' Grind Division:  There are some drinks that no matter how bad of an itch you have to get drunk, you won’t touch.  These are the kind of teams that no matter how badly I’m itching to watch the NBA, I won’t watch.  A few good cocktails, some fine beers, but too many punishment drinks.  Vegas gave Toronto the lowest odds of winning this year’s championship, and looking at these drinks you can see why.

NJN - Jack and coke, Mount Gay and coke, Jim Beam, Canadian Club, Godfather, Budweiser, Labatt Blue, Wild Turkey

WAS - Jack and coke, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Canadian Club, Fireball whiskey, Smirnoff Ice, Stoli, Bud Light

CLE - Shot of stoli, Jack n' Grind (2), Pabst Blue Ribbon, OV, Budweiser, Godfather, Bud Light, Smirnoff Ice

CHA - Mezcal, Labatt Blue (2), White Russian, Stinger, Jack n' Grind, Manhattan, Bud Light, Smirnoff Ice

TOR - Jack n' Grind, OV, Bud Light, Labatt 50 (2), Smirnoff Ice

NBA Lockout Pain: A short story by Brandon Bombay

Sunlight splinters through the trees on this gorgeous late June evenin.  I’m in a reclined position on our patio furniture which used to not bend like this, but has been worked in through the years and has almost melded to my body.  The beer in my hand is cold, almost too cold to the touch – the way I like it.    My eight year old son is perched on the front steps of the porch just a few feet from me.  A picturesque scene, what more could a man ask for, what more should he ask for?   The feeling in my stomach returns and I writhe in temporary discomfort, shifting in my seat.  Taking a big gulp of too-cold beer it washes through my insides coating my throat then into my stomach.  That uneasy feeling has been stronger than usual of late.  My wife insists it’s from when I drink and wants me to see the doctor, but I hate doctors.  Truth be told, it’s been awhile since I’ve trusted any appointed ‘experts’ in any field; no good seems to come from ‘experts’.  No doctor can cure this feeling though.   There’s no pills, no medication, no procedures, nothing medicinal that can help me.  Painful emotions have cemented into something tangible.  You know how older couples who have been married many years often die within a short time of each other.  The husband passes, and not six months later the wife has lost the strength and no longer holds on.  That’s the best way I can describe this feeling, but instead of letting go because of the pain I’ve decided to hold onto it.  Just as you can’t separate conjoined twins, this feeling can’t be removed, it is a part of me.   I became acutely aware of what was happening to me in 2015.  After seeing NBA franchises being sold at fire sale prices I knew it was over, but like a parent whose child disappears, I just always held out hope, no matter how improbable, that the league would return.  Even when players like Dwayne Wade, and Chris Paul were signing lucrative long-term contracts in Greece and Spain, I still held out hope that they would return.  After the league completely disbanded, owners were salvaging what little money they could.  Not until I saw the New Orleans Hornets sold for a paltry $500,000, and the Milwaukee Bucks sold for a meager $437,000 did it really start to sink in that my NBA was gone, and never coming home.  Not until the LA Lakers were sold for $720,000, to a USC fraternity who purchased it for pure novelty, did I officially begin the mourning process.  It was time for me to move on.  I settled down with a girl, Patricia - not terrible looking, but not too attractive either.  In short time we started a family, Jordan, our daughter, and Michael our son.  My son chose this particular evening to ask me about his name, “Dad, Mom says that I was named after a sports guy.”

“You sure were.” I responded glowingly, “you were named after Michael Jordan himself.”

“Oh, um, who is that?”

“Hahaha, you’re too young to remember him, but he is a famous basketball player, a ferocious competitor.  When I was growing up my friends and I all wanted to be like him.  He’s hands down the greatest player in the history of the NBA.”  I pause as a wave of nostalgic euphoria shoots through me.  Pride overwhelms me as I think that my children, especially my son, will carry on this name.  However, as if I was being violently awoken from a wonderful dream my son asks, “ Dad…what’s the NBA?”

That uneasy feeling returns, it’s like bile filling an empty crater.  I recline in my chair, and take a large swig finishing off my beer.   I reach into the cooler beside me and pull out another too cold brew that has a couple ice cubes stuck to the can.  “Michael, how about I start calling you by your middle name?”

Giving thanks for having booze

Lockout talks continue in New York throughout Thanksgiving and the weekend.  If you’re optimistic about the possibility of the NBA re-opening on December 25^th then go ahead and don’t bother purchasing any Christmas gifts.  Just include them on your list to Santa and he’ll take care of it…you idiot.

Wednesday's Games (13)

BOS @ MIA / DAL @ MEM (Jack and coke):  I really don’t care about Boston or Miami, I really don’t, but these are the two best games on tap tonight, so I had some ol’ faithful. 

CHI @ POR / LAC @ SAS (Mount Gay and coke):  Delicious dark rum, the sweet taste is an homage to the Bulls and Clippers, but Mount Gay is the oldest commercially produced liquor in the world which is an homage to the old-ass Spurs.

HOU @ NOH / NJN @ OKC / NYK @ DEN (Wild Turkey):  For no other reason than it’s Thanksgiving weekend in the states.

MIL @ MIN  / WAS @ SAC (Bud Light): I know what you’re thinking, these are clearly Smirnoff Ice-quality games.  Bet you wouldn’t think that if you were having thirteen drinks.  Bud Light is the equivalent of a jail sentence being reduced for good behavior.

PHI @ GSW / PHO @ TOR / IND @ ATL (Labatt 50): Needed to slow down here so stuck with beer.  Had some 50s cause I only cared about 50% of the teams involved in these matchups.

CHA @ CLE (Smirnoff Ice):   Two unwatchable teams, one undrinkable drink.   Who’s happier about the lockout, Bobcats owner Michael Jordan, or Cavs owner and anti-LeBronite Dan Gilbert?

Thursday's games (2)

BOS @ ORL / NYK @ LAL (Labatt Blue):   The drinks listed above weren’t all I had Wednesday so I wasn’t feeling quite ‘up to snuff’ on Thursday.  While at Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt’s place I had a few beers and that’s all.  

14 Drinks on Tap: Monday and Tuesday's Libations

Yesterday I posted an article on how us fans should stop crying about social injustice and realize we are not ‘owed’ a season by the NBA and its players (check it out) but I neglected to post the drinks consumed for Monday and Tuesday.  I’m in Michigan for Thanksgiving and haven’t decided what I’m going to have for the always dangerous Wednesday matchups, or what kind of drink-theme I’m going to use during Thanksgiving weekend.  All I know is Wild Turkey will be consumed.  If you’re bored, head over to SLAM and get caught up on the most recent in the legalproceedings (spoiler: NBA is still locked out, and will continue to be locked out regardless if they head back to the negotiating/mediator table.)  Additional spoiler: I will continue to drink…

Monday's Games (7)

CHI @ UTA / DEN @ LAC (Jack and coke):  Solid games, so had my most solid of drinks.

GSW @ NJN / MIN @ HOU (Budweiser):  Not just any old Budweiser's, but basement-dwelling Buds from my mom's basement.  Similar to where these four teams will be this year.

NYK @ SAC / POR @ CHA (Labatt Blue):  The most common beer in Canada.  Didn’t want to put any thought into these matchups.

OKC @ SAS (Zubrowka and apple juice):  Best tasting drink for the game of the night.  Tastes like cinnamon apple juice, but not the kind of drink you can have too often. 

Tuesday's Games (7)

ATL @ MIA (Stoli and cranberry): Vodka-cran isn’t a full-on effeminate drink, but it’s close to.  Tried to stick with vodka as much as I could tonight too.  Might make vodka-cran my ‘official’ drink of that Miami Heat team.

BOS @ WAS / PHI @ DAL (Shot of Stoli): These games would be over quick so took a quick shot. 

CHI @ DEN (RedStag and coke):  When I looked at this matchup that’s just the drink that popped into my head.  Might make Red Stag my ‘official’ drink of the Chicago Bulls.  Damn I miss D-Reezy.

DET @ IND / NJN @ PHO (Labatt Blue): Middling beer for middling games.

LAL @ MEM (42Below Vodka): Fantastic vodka from New Zealand of all places.  It’s a great sipping vodka that crushes the ‘mainstream premium’ vodkas.  

Who 'Hates' Fans More?

This may come as a shock to some, but David Stern and the owners don’t care about you.   Furthermore, the NBA players don’t care about you.  Actually, the NBA as a whole does not care about you.  If this is a revelation then you’ve been a truly naive fan of the NBA.  The season is all but cancelled after the owners continued to strong-arm the players, and the players showed ill-timed resiliency.  “I guess this shows that David Stern/Owners/Players (take your pick) really don’t care about the fans.” has been the refrain heard 'round the sportsworld.  Of course they don’t.  Not in the true empathetic sense of 'caring', where the fans feelings directly affect their own.  Fans seem to have misinterpreted their relationship with the NBA feeling they are owed a season.  More than ever fans are reporting a disconnect from these rich businessmen and athletes.  "Occupy ____” comparisons have been made ag nosium: another example of how the downtrodden 99% are being mistreated by the elitist 1%.  Cries are heard all over the internets how SternCo and the NBAPA are basking in the fans’ grief, "if they cared about the fans then they would just play."  David Stern does not sit at home atop a throne of skulls laughing maniacally about the loss of the season.  LeBron James isn’t reinvesting his Sheets profits in a militia group plotting to burn down the city of Cleveland.  The owners* and players all want to see the fans happy, only truly sadistic individuals gather pleasure from the pain of others (*exception see: Michael Jeffrey Jordan).  When given a choice between a) millions of dollars extra, and job security (goin’ for self), or b) fans being able to enjoy basketball games (Mahatma Gandhi), they, the owners and players, chose a) goin' for self.  We as fans should not begrudge them.  Feel free to gripe, and even place blame, but to act wounded as if this were a personal affront is asinine.

Let's apply a similar fan response to a theoretic Holllywood dispute. What if Daniel Radcliffe walked away from the ‘Harry Potter’ franchise before the final installment because the movie production company low-balled him on their offer, and as a result the movie was never released?  Would you in turn announce “that proves it, Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t care about me, or my little brother, in fact, he probably hates my grandmother too!”?  Radcliffe’s adoration for his fans is separate from any contract negotiations.  He wants his fans to be happy, but he doesn't 'owe' them anything.  If prices to the latest 'Harry Potter' flick sky-rocketed to $1000 a ticket do you 'owe' it to him to still go?  Here's an every day example, let’s say you have a mechanic, Geoff (we can presuppose it’s a man), who you’ve been going to for years.  He’s a trustworthy guy, does the job timely and fairly cheap, also you just find him to be all-around amiable.  Now let’s suppose, that in these fiscally restrictive times business has slowed down and Geoff raises his rates by 30%.  You tell him if he can’t work on your car at the same rate as before then you’re taking your business elsewhere.  To which he declines and begins work on another customer's car.  Now you're upset because finding a good mechanic is hard, and your car needs work. Does this mean Geoff doesn’t care about the emotional state he’s left you in, and the possible decline of your fine automobile?  Geoff is still the same trustworthy guy he’s just trying to run a more profitable business.  Talented Daniel, and amiable Geoff want their fans/customers to be happy, but are not willing to trade their personal wealth and happiness for others to be slightly more content.  Again, we should not begrudge them.

People are dishonest with themselves and have a terribly difficult time turning an objective eye on their own behavior.  Often times believing that if confronted with another person’s dilemma that they, as a superior over-all person, would act differently and more just.  You can often hear proclamations such as "If I won the lottery I'd give half to charity", sure, if by "charity" you mean strippers and escorts.  SternCo and the players are not so different from you and I; in the end we all want everyone to be happy, as long as it doesn't interfere with any of our plans. 

Will your infant son ever see an NBA game?

A conversation between a father and his son in the year 2022:

“Daddy, who’s Michael Jordan?”

“He’s a famous basketball player.  The best player in the history of the NBA.”

“What’s the NBA?” 

Over at ESPN there’s a good piece on wherethe lockout is headed.  It's an all-encompassing write up, so you can see varying views. I continue to take an NBApocalypse approach and drink in my bunker during this NBA nuclear winter. 

Eighteen games on tap total this weekend  I cheated and had some of Sunday’s drinks on Saturday.  Nine games slated for Saturday, and since it was Saturday and I was getting drunk regardless of the lockout I had five of Sunday’s drinks (that I can remember at least), so fourteen total Saturday leaving me with a manageable four remaining for Sunday.  Saturday I was drinking Red Stag with a splash of coke, mostly doubles.  Delicious drink, but very sweet and not something you can have every week.  It’s more of a get-drunk-off-once-a-month drink for me. 

Sunday's games (9 – 5 Saturday, 4 Sunday):

CHI @ LAC (Red Stag and Coke): I know, I know, not too creative, but this would be a sweet game to watch and Redstag and coke is a sweet drink.

DAL @ ATL (CrownRoyal and ginger): Rye and ginger.  A drink I like, but don’t love for a game that would captivate my interest only if there was overtime, or if ZaZa Pachulia got a flagrant foul against Dirk. 

NOH @ ORL (Hpnotiq): After the game Chris Paul refused to join the team and staged a ‘sit-in’ in the visitor’s locker room saying he would not leave until traded to Orlando to play alongside Dwight.  This is basically what ‘Melo did, and now you see why we have a lockout.  Drank Hypnotiq simply because it matches the uniforms.

CLE @ CHA (Bud Light): This is the definition of a punishing Jack n’ Grind game, but I just didn’t have it in me.  So I sipped on a Bud Light, which is punishment enough. 

Bombay Tackles '10 Manliest Drinks'

A ‘source’ has leaked that the NBA is “optimistic” about having the season ready to start on Christmas day.  You have a better chance of seeing Osama Bin Laden in full Santa-garb on Christmas day than you do of seeing any NBA games.  Conserve your Christmas wishes and prayers because if David Stern can’t bring you the NBA on Christmas then Santa and Jesus sure as hell can’t.   Oh, and if you haven’t already, make sure to check out my starting five for the Teetotaler All-Stars. 

While on Stumbleupon I found a recipe for 10 Manliest Cocktails.  I tried some of them out last night.  Since they are strong drinks I doubled up some of the matchups, I also didn't have all the ingredients for every drink so I just made due.

Friday's Games (11)

CHI @ PHO (Old Fashioned): Whenever I think of Bulls vs Suns I think of this.  Whenever I think of an ‘old fashioned’ I think of this.

CHA @ PHI / POR @ IND (Manhattan): Hey David Stern, “what have I done to deserve this dry and flavourless manhattan?” Yes, I'm re-hashing the same 'Simpsons' Manhattan reference I did earlier in the week.

ATL @ DET (Stinger): Brandy and crème de menthe.  Again, thanks for making me smell like a bum who’s been drinking mouthwash all-day Billy Hunter.  

DEN @ OKC / LAC @ UTA (Rusty Nail): Scotch and drambuie.  Best tasting drink on this list for the best matchups. 

MIA @ CLE / NJN @ NOH (Godfather): Amaretto and scotch.  Can you guess in these matchups which teams are ‘amaretto’ and which ones are ‘scotch’?

SAC @ DAL / SAS @ MIN (Sidecar): Bourbon, cointreau lemon juice.  I'll be honest, I didn't have triple sec (cointreau) so I just sipped brandy.

MIL @ TOR (Smirnoff Ice): But you say, “Bombay, there is nothing manly about a Smirnoff Ice.”  No there isn't, no there isn't. 

Teetotaler All-Stars: Team Sober

“I never played a game sober” the infamous words of former NBA pogo-stick Keon Clark, who was conspicuously left off the ballot for this all-star squad.  Taking an eastern philosophy Lao Tzu approach, there is no drunkenness without sobriety, I decided to show some love for those who do not imbibe, and compiled the starting five Teetotaler All-Stars: Team Sober.  Scouring the internets I had trouble pin pointing players who were openly sober – although finding players who were sober after a past of substance abuse was not difficult.  To determine those players who were not only sober, but actually abstained from alcohol altogether, I searched for those closely associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS).  Members of this church not only abstain from alcohol, but all stimulants: booze, caffeine, pre-marital sex.  There’s only one place that would have these non-drinking, non-cursing, non-sex having hooligans, the capital of Mormonism, Utah.  I present to you the Utah Teetotalers:

Center – Shawn Bradley: A google search of ‘Shawn Bradley mormon’ gave me this link. This guy puts Bill Simmons on blast for his ‘constant’ trashing of Bradley.   He later goes on to describe Bradley as one of the more underrated centers of his time.  One of the luxuries I have with this blog is if I write something truly asinine I can chalk it up to “I was drunk”.  This self described 'normal Mormon husband' doesn't have that luxury, and unless this was ghost written by Don Nelson, I don’t know what would inspire him to write a 2000 word article defending this. 

Power Forward – Scott Pollard: Whaaaat??!!!  Don’t let the crazy hair fool you.  Pollard was found on this famous Mormon website.   Guess it’s true what they say “you can’t judge a book (of Mormon) by its cover.”

Small Forward – Keith Van Horn:   Van Horn went to college at Utah where it was rumoured he was seen ‘holding hands’ with up to four different female groupies in one year!  Van Horn, whose most significant contribution to the NBA was being a salary cap place holder during the Jason Kidd to Dallas deal, walked away from the NBA to spend more time with his family.  In the pantheon of teetotaler moments, walking away from millions to spend extra time with your family, is right up there.  Oh, and turns out this happened.

Shooting Guard – James ‘Jimmer’ Fredette: There was already a ‘James’ in the Fredette family so his mom took to calling him ‘Jimmer’.  In a recent interview Fredette was quoted as saying “thanks a friggin’ lot Mom!”  Jimmer was last year’s Naismith winner after a stellar senior year at BYU.  Many in the Mormon community have exclaimed “This is what it would look like if Joseph Smith played basketball.”

Point Guard – Danny Ainge:  Ainge’s fiery on-court personae is a departure from the usual teetotaler mild-manner demeanor, but at point guard you need a passionate leader.  Plus, he’s the only one on this list to crack the LDS Top 100.  

Thursday's Games (2): 

She might be the Kim Kardashian of the rap game, but after seeing this commercial I wanted to get some Amber Rose-endorsed vodka.  I was too lazy/hungover and drank some Jack and cokes instead.  

13 games (drinks) on tap last night

‘Hump day’ is proving to be the most difficult in my drinking odessey.  Getting lit-up on Friday and Saturday is no problem, but consuming thirteen drinks mid-week takes its toll.  What the hell else am I gonna do, watch ice hockey?  Jumping straight to the drinks today…

Wednesday's games (13)

BOS @ MIA (Hoegaarden): The beer I use to symbolize games that people are hyped about, and I just don’t care for.  I’d definitely tune into this game, but indifferently.  Boston circa ’08 (which I hated) paved the way for Miami ’10 (which I hate). 

DAL @ MEM (Hypnotiq): As long as we don’t get a complacent Z-bo this could be the matchup of the night.  Sipped some tasty liqueur to enjoy it.  

CHI @ POR / LAC @ SAS (Zubrowka and apple juice):  Promising matchups, so I had a drink that tastes like cinnamon-apple juice.  Seeing Blake bang against Duncan is always great.  Depending on what Portland and San Antonio team came to play these matchups have serious potential.

NJN @ OKC / NYK @ DEN / IND @ ATL (Canadian club & gingerale):  Middling matchups, so I drank an ‘ok’ drink.  Knicks @ (former Knicks) Denver would be interesting. 

PHI @ GSW / PHO @ TOR / HOU @ NOH (Labatt 50):  In each matchup I’m interested in 50% of the teams: Warriors, Suns, Hornets; and could care less about the other 50%: I’m looking at you Raptors.

WAS @ SAC / MIL @ MIN (Smirnoff Ice): Four unwatchable teams (I’ll admit, The Bucks and ‘Wolves could potentially be solid this year…potentially).  "Icing" people has become fashionable, but Smirnoff Ice has long been the symbol of a detested drink in my circle.  Would have drank Zima’s if I could find them.

CHA @ CLE (Jack n' Grind): Technically there were three 'Jack n' Grind' quality games, but in the battle of “unwatchability”, Bobcats @ Cavs is as bad as it gets.  Also, I wasn't about to have three helpings of: a coffee mug sprinkled with coffee grinds and a shot of Jack Daniel's.  

Sorry College Basketball, my heart belongs to another

Is infidelity enough to end a meaningful long-term relationship?  Suppose you are in love with someone, and they are in love with you, it’s a connection that transcends physicality - an experience you’ve never had before.  You’ve built a life together; live together; grow together.  Suppose this person, who you care about deeply, was intimate with someone else.  It meant nothing, it was a drunken mistake, the encounter was baseless, but it happened.  Could you forgive and accept this loved one back into your life?  Can you look past this one transgression, move on, and continue to build together?  This is the scenario I feel with the current NBA Lockout. I feel betrayed, I feel lost, my heart is broken.  I need to decide if the life I've built with the NBA is worth saving – as of now, I do not know.  This has been a lifelong relationship, and in recent years (with my LeaguePass subscription) we’ve taken the equivalent steps of ‘moving in’, and ‘talks of engagement’.  Can I throw it all away just because of the lockout?  I feel if my friends were to intervene they’d give me advice like “she’s not good for you”, “we don’t like how she’s treating you”, “it’s time to move on”.  While I mend my heart, just like the last time I became single, I’ll listen to Kanye's '808s and Heartbreak' on continuous loop, and continue to drink…

Tuesday’s Games (4):

LAC @ HOU / PHO @ DET (Heartbreak cocktail): Just typed 'heartbreak cocktail' in google and I got this.  Pretty tasty actually, accept I didn't use Bacardi rum. Ohh, and for 2500 pounds you can purchase this. 

ORL @ IND / WAS @ LAL (Fireball Whiskey): Because it tastes like the cinnamon hearts you used to get on Valentine's Day as a kid.  

War: what is it good for?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened in the 80s at the height of the Cold War if Mutually Assured Destruction was not a deterrent?  Well, we’re getting a glimpse into that now with the NBA.  The NBAP Union has disbanded choosing the ‘disclaiming the union’ route (which is like decertification, just not), and in his press conference, David Stern referred to this as ‘the nuclear winter’ of the NBA.  Billy Hunter sent a letter to the players explaining what disclaiming the union means for them, and claims they had “no other choice” but to disband the union.  Hmmm, no other choice, really Bill?  I’d like to see Billy Hunter on a Saturday night trying to choose a restaurant with his wife, it would go something like this: they would both decide they want to go out to dinner; Mrs. Hunter would suggest an Italian restaurant; Billy Hunter, who doesn’t like Italian would say no, and then file for divorce.  As mentioned before, these negotiations have devolved into a game of chicken, and the players have shown they most certainly are not chicken.  They might not be smart, but don’t call them chicken! 

Sometimes I hate being right.  Now, more than ever, I need a drink, and following the ‘nuclear winter’ theme I took to the internets and looked up some Cold War Cocktails:

Monday’s games (5)  see above link for recipes:

GSW @ DAL (Churchill):  Could’ve used ol’ Winston during these labour negotiations.

NYK @ UTA (Cuba Libre): I’ve said before this whole lockout experience feels like the Cuban Missile Crisis, just waiting for the bomb to drop.

OKC @ CHA (Stinger): Two parts Brandy, one party Crème de menthe.  Thanks Billy Hunter, I love reeking of mouthwash.

PHI @ POR (Manhattan): Wish Bart Simpson was here to mix mine.

SAC @ MEM (B52) : Feel like a B52 just dropped an atomic bomb…on my heart.

The NBA: Where 'Survivor' meets 'Big Brother' happens

Last night SternCo took to Twitter in an attempt to win the fans over using social media.  However, “We need a system that allows all 30 teams to compete for a championship” was the common refrain, and used on more than one question.  If the NBA is serious about winning over the fans here are two ideas to keep the NBA from turning into post ’94 Major League Baseball. 

Idea the first: give the fans free BroadBand LeaguePass.  Personally, I was catapulted from ‘huge fan’ to ‘insane-o fan’ once I got LeaguePass and could pick and choose which games I watched.  Obviously, this would initially lose the league money, but if they’re thinking long-term – and that’s what the lockout is all about – then this is a money-making proposition.  Offering free LeaguePass not only is a sign of good faith to the fans, but it can transform many ‘casual fans’ into ‘super fans’.  If fans can watch the likes of Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, and Chris Paul every night than the NBA is a much more enticing product.  Many more fans would re-up their LeaguePass subscription once the free offer expired (the first one's always free right?)

Idea the second: have fans vote players down to the D-League.  One of the minor clauses discussed during negotiations was to let teams send players down to theD-League at reduced pay.  Running with that idea, how about you let the fans chose which player would be ‘voted off the island’.  Each month every team could put one or two players ‘up for eviction’, and the fans can vote who they want to see sent down.  (Note: Sundiata Gaines gets veto power because of this.)  Reality TV is king, and don't you think fans would love to 'stick it back' to the players a little by sending them down to the D-League? C’mon SternCo, give me free LeaguePass and the ability to play GM.   Until that happens I will continue to drink…

Sunday’s Games (9):

I’m not going to lie.  The drinking is catching up with me.  Well, maybe it’s because I’ve been over-imbibing on the weekends.  Regardless, I needed a night off so I mailed it in last night and drank Bud Lights, plus there were no games of note on tap.  I promise to make it up to you Wednesday with a cornucopia of drinks.  

On the 16th day of the 11th month an association will fall

I’m feeling like NBAstradamus. While many writers were lining up to purchase their 36-home game season tickets I continued to spout ‘end of days’ verbiage.   Sources say that Stern does not want a season of less than 70 games, which means a deal has to be made soon, as in now - the good news is we won't have to listen to any 'Miami will win 70 games' talk.   The writing’s on the wall, it’s been structure issues, not Basketball Related Income issues for a while now.  "They don't want to do a deal," one agent said of the owners' proposals. "And what they've underestimated is the resolve of the players." No, the players underestimated the resolve of the owners.  Kelly Dwyer talks about the player’s futility, which echoes my sentiments: players lose, fans lose, owners unrepentant…Bombay drinks. 

Yesterday was Remembrance Day /Veteran's Day  so I dedicate these drinks to all veterans past and present.  Even with a belly full of liquor I could never be as brave as you.

Friday’s Games (10)

DEN @ LAL / LAC @ BOS / MEM @ DAL (Vanilla Stoli and Vernor's ginger-ale): Three solid matchups,  nothing to go crazy over, but games worth watching.  I chose a drink that tastes like a creamsicle because for some reason DEN @ LAL evokes that in me. 

GSW @ NOH (Alize): Steph Curry, Montae...ohhh and a lil' bit of Chris Paul.  Sipped some sweet Alize in honour of this game.

NJN @ MIA (shot of Jim Beam): Take a shot so it's over quick, like this game would be.

PHO @ IND / WAS @ ORL / UTA @ ATL (Canadian Club and ginger ale):  Utah and Atlanta are both at a franchise impasse, and the Suns well, no comment. Drank some light tasting rye and gingers cause these games would get a ‘breeze-over’ on LeaguePass.

MIL @ PHI  / SAC @ MIN (shot of mezcal): Watching these matchups would make me sick to my stomach.  Much like cheap mescal makes me sick to my stomach.

Hardline Hawks: this time, and everytime, it's personal

“They’re so close to making a deal that it would be idiotic to stop negotiations at this point.” Ahh, the naïve refrain heard ‘round the internets.  Fact of the matter is, the non-hardline owners - the Cubans and Dolans - are close to a deal with the “50/50?  Thought you’d never ask!” Players.  However, a chasm remains between the ‘Hardline Hawks’, whom Michael Jordan has become the face of, and the ‘NBA 50/50ers’.  We’re nearing the end of the second twelve hour session since ‘ultimatum hour’ and reports have been, well, sparse, and that is not a good sign.  Sorry to break it to you folks, but billionaires don’t become billionaires by makingconcessions.  It also does not help that the face of the ‘Hardline Hawks’ borders on hating humanity.  You hear about a champion’s drive to win, or how a player hates to lose.  Michael Jordan doesn’t care if he wins or loses, he only cares that you lose.  He didn’t become the greatest ever by making concessions to anyone, ever.  Hopefully, I’m just spouting apocalyptic rhetoric and will be proven wrong in the next twelve hours.  Until then, I’m bunkering down with my booze…

Thursday’s games (2)

OKC @ CHI / SAS @ POR (Famous Grouse): I’m not even going to mention how missing OKC/CHI literally knocked the wind out of me.  Drinking helps with the loss of the NBA, but going through and looking at every single game I’m missing can be painful at times.  Sipping on some scotch tonight.  I don’t even like scotch.  

How I learned to stop worrying and love decertification

The internets were abuzz all night following the resumed labour talks that ran until roughly 1:30am EST.  After meeting for twelve hours both sides have finalized...nothing.  Kids, if you haven't already, start brushing up on your knowledge of union decertification.  As previously stated here and here (and all over this site).  There will be no season.  

2011: A Lockout Odyssey

“We do not come in peace.  Meet our demands or you will feel our wrath.  Your forces are no match for us.  All your BRI are belonged to us!” – hostile extraterrestrial labour negotiator David Stern.

Players have until 5pm today to ‘meet the owner’s demands’ which they have  voted unanimously against.  Optimism abounds that talks will resume before the deadline, and the implementation of the 'doomsday' rollback offer.  The threat made by SternCo is real, and unless the players accept the current offer (the best they will see), a deal will not be brokered. 

Taking the Kent Brockman approach, I for one welcome our new BRI overlords, as resistance is futile.  Thirteen games on tap tonight so regardless of the outcome I will be nice and blatto.

Wednesday's Games (13)

CHA @ BOS / LAC @ TOR / DAL @ NJN (White Russian): All these games are one part good, and one part bad.

CLE @ SAC / HOU @ PHI / IND @ MIL (Budweiser):  It’s the owners of these truly mid-market teams that will cause the cancellation of the season.

NYK @ ATL / SAS @ LAL / DET @ GSW (Lowenbrau): I feel like I should be hyped for these games, but I’m just not.

PHO @ MIN / POR @ DEN / UTA @ ORL (El Dorado 5 year): A few years ago these matchups would have been marquee, but not today.

MIA @ NOH (Hypnotiq):  Drinking the tasty teal drink that shares his uniform’s colour, CP3 would’ve easily had 23/15/11 in this matchup. 

Sometimes something's, a real cool hand...

Everyone’s least favourite bulldog, Derek Fisher, is involved in more drama, this time his opponent is fellow Lakers teammate, Steve Blake.  Blake is doing his bestBraveheart impression, and trying to rally the players to push for a vote on the ultimatum offer presented by SternCo. , however Fisher and other union representatives are not satisfied with the offer and would rather call the owner’s bluff than bring it to a vote.  This ultimatum offer is having one of its desired effects and shaking the union’s solidarity.   

The question floating around the internets is ‘why did Stern drop this power move so early into the lockout as there is still plenty of time before the season has to be cancelled?’.  The answer is simple, dissention in the ranks is not limited to just the players.  Mid-market teams feel they have received the short-end of the stick for awhile now, and some hardline owners are willing to lose a season if it means restructuring the system to a more mid-market friendly.  They want the players to reject the current offer, and it appears they only agreed to this offer if a ‘self destruct’ mechanism was implemented - this of it as Congress adding something ludicrous to a Bill before passing it .  Stern works for the NBA, but more accurately he works for the NBA owners.  To appease the myriad of owners they offered a deal which was only good for big market owners, and only good for mid market owners if accepted immediately.  Hardliners would only go along with the current deal if it meant basketball was in business shortly. The 72-hour deadline was Stern's diplomatic solution.  We have just passed Amber, and are now in full blown Red Alert.  The threat is real, the danger is real, this is the best offer the players will see.  I for one am scared, and I still don’t even have a girlfriend.  Luckily, drinking calms my nerves…

Tonight’s Games (5)

HOU @ IND/ OKC @ NYK/ PHO @ MEM/ UTA @ MIA (Jack and coke): I know how those people felt during the Cuban Missile Crisis, futilely hiding in bombshelters, basements, and even under tables.  Jack and coke, my old standby is about the only thing that can calm me down right now. 

LAC @ CHI* (Crystal Head Vodka): Missing this game takes me from nervous to angry.  Sipping on Dan Aykroyd’s skull head vodka cause it’s appropriate with NBAamageddon around the corner. 

The End is Near: man seeking woman

Repent ye sinners, for the end is nigh!  Once more, Saturday’s labour talk showdown ended with a bang.  This time it wasn’t Billy Hunter slamming his books shut and storming out while stomping his feet, but it was Gangsta #1, David Stern, laying the gauntlet and giving the players an ultimatum offer with threats that future offers will pale in comparison.  Now the internets are alive with wild speculation, and all signs point to NBAmagedden.  Union decertification has no longer become a question of if, but when.  I for one, am stockpiling bottled water and canned goods in preparation for the end of the (NBA) world.  Negotiations have devolved into a game of chicken and it looks like the hard-lined owners have no intention of taking their feet off the gas pedal.  If the owners make good on their threat then the players only move will be union decertification, which will lead to a legal dispute being mired in court for months thus no NBA season.

When your world is collapsing around you and impending doom is near, you find yourself doing things previously thought of as unthinkable.  I’ve began taking preemptive measure to ensure my survival should the 2011-2012 season be put out to pasture.  With all this pending free time needing to be filled I decided to take active measures and seek a girlfriend.  Usually with the NBA season in full swing I just don’t have the time to balance it and a girlfriend, plus how can I be true to a woman if my heart belongs to another?  For the first ever, I’ve posted an ad on craigslist to help me fill the chasm in my heart.  If you have a thing for NBA-obsessed booze hounds in their late 20s then reply to my ad and maybe we’ll have a connection.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to drink…

Sunday’s games (6):

CLE @ LAC, NOH @ LAL, NYN @ DET, PHI @ ORL, POR @ PHO, WAS @ MIA

I was still reeling from the drinks on Saturday, eleven games, but I easily eclipsed that amount of drinks while out at a house party, and since there were no games of note, I just sipped on a six-pack of PBR.

Tonight’s games (5):

CLE @ DEN, DAL @ TOR, LAL @ SAC, MIL @ NJN, SAS @ GSW 

Only five games on tap, and it’s the kind of pedestrian night where I would probably forego the action in favour of getting caught up on sleep.  Until someone responds to my craigslist ad, I’m still single, so I’ll drink:  Two bottles of OV, and three dark rum and cokes.

Labour Negotiations: 50% of the time, it works everytime

Recently, I saw the film ‘50/50’ which stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a young man diagnosed with a rare form of cancer which has a 50% mortality rate.  There’s a funny exchange where his best friend, played by Seth Rogen, is relieved by his friend’s odds of survival: “50%, that’s great…if you were a casino game you’d have the best odds!”  .Will there be a season?  At this point there’s a 50% chance, and unlike Rogen’s character in ‘50/50’ I do not like those odds.  While at the movie I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between it and these labour negotiations: us fans are Rogen’s character, not directly involved, but have a lot at stake emotionally; the owners and players (NBA as a whole) are Levitt’s character, who have the most at stake and could potentially ‘die’ if the cancer is not treated; and the role of cancer is played by basketball related income (BRI), which if not contained during chemotherapy (labour negotiations) could reach metastasis, and then all parties concerned are fucked.  NBA Labour negotiations have taken a tailspin this week, and it looks as if it’s all culminating today.  Let’s hope the surgery to remove the discrepancy in BRI is successful and our NBA can enjoy a long prosperous life. 


I  went to the doctor to mend my broken heart, on account of there being no NBA, and he prescribed me some drinks over the next couple days.  Here's how Friday and Saturday's games (drinks) went down...


Friday - 9 games 

BOS @ ATL / DAL @ SAS  (Redstag and coke) - Sweet drink that tastes like a Cherry Coke slushy, but I can only drink it every once and a while.


IND @ OKC / POR @ LAC  (Jack and coke) - If only this was OKC v. LAC then I'd get excited


LAL @ PHO (shot of Stoli) - The present-day Suns are a sore spot for me.  Just like my relationship with my Russian ex girlfriend.


MIL @ CHA / MIN @ PHI / SAC @ GSW (Labatt Blue) - can you say 'domesticity'? actually I have trouble saying that word, but domestic beer for domestic games.


TOR @ CLE (Jack n' Grind) - as detailed in this post, I save Jack n' Grind for the most heinous games.


Saturday - 11 Games 
I'm cheating here, but who cares.  It's Saturday, and there's 11 games so  I'll be at some house party then some bar and I'll be getting blotto (11 Jack and Cokes...minimum).

SternCo: It 'Pays' to be Shrewd

Fresh off his brouhaha with Billy Hunter, Derek Fisher is taking more heat, this time from once-relevant NBA player Jerry Stackhouse.   Stack says he doesn’t want Derek Fisher negotiating with David Stern, as Stern is too ‘shrewd’ a negotiator to tangle with.  He then was quoted as saying “those people are just good with money…what, it’s not prejudice if it’s true!”  Stackhouse believes Derek Fisher should not be involved in the negotiations because he is grossly under qualified.  Kevin Garnett came to Fisher’s defense stating that Fisher was a far greater negotiator than himself, and then screamed in Stackhouse’s face while pounding his own chest.  To be fair, Fisher’s getting a lot of unnecessary slack. Obviously, he isn’t the negotiator that Stern & Co. (SternCo) are, but that’s why Billy Hunter’s in the room right?  It’s a little late in the proceedings to realize a player cannot out-negotiate SternCo.  Today it was announced that both sides would resume talks Saturday so hopefully the end is in sight, but I would dial down your optimism meter to a meager 3.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to drink.  Slow night in the L tonight, only three games on tap.  After last night’s thirteen game banger I could use the rest, so I’m going to be a little ‘shrewd’ about the drinks today - all inexpensive beers.

Tonight’s Games – 3 (drinks in parentheses):

DEN @ POR (Lakeport beer): After last night I’m looking to take it easy so nothing fancy here.  Two teams that gave the champs a scare last year, but will struggle to make the playoffs this year. 

MEM @ UTA (Laker beer): Maybe since this is in Utah I should have had a non-alcoholic beer (won’t be the last time I make this joke).

ORL @ MIA (James Ready 5.5): Amped up the alcohol content a bit for this one.  I miss Stan Van Gundy’s faux-turtlenecks.  When the season starts back up will everyone still hate LeBron?

Dark Day on the Playground

Not only have talks broken down between the Owners and Players, but talks have broken down between the players and their representatives.  If this continues, reports indicate Derek Fisher and Billy Hunter are “gonna have it out” at 3:45pm in the quad after school.  Vegas odds heavily favour D-Fish and his bulldog-like build, but never bet against the kind of old-man strength Hunter clearly possesses – he’s like James Caan in ‘Way of the Gun’.  Plus, Hunter’s the type of guy that isn’t above throwing dirt in someone’s eyes during a fight. Levity aside, it’s a dark day for labour negotiations when we have player-on-rep violence. The players union will have to do some in-house cleaning before both sides get back to the negotiating table.  In the interim, I will continue my protest and drink.  Thirteen games on tap tonight, so let’s get straight to it.

Tonight’s Games – 13 (drink names in parentheses):

CHA @ ORL (shot of mezcal): This would be a tough game to watch as Dwight would shoot approximately 74 freethrows, and the game would basically be over by the 2^nd quarter, so I had a shot that’s tough going down, but over quick.

ATL @ MIN (Labatt Blue): boring domestic beer for a boring domestic game.

CHI @ NOH (Jack n’ Coke):  CP3 vs. D-Reezy, wow, I’m sad.  Had my all-time favourite drink in honour of these two clashing (but I’m still sad).  Was going to make a “Jannero Pargo is watching this game from Russia” joke, but a quick google search proved he's actually in the NBA who'da thunk it?

CLE @ BOS (shot of Stolichnaya [Stoli]): This one would be over quick, but you know KG and Baron would’ve had a shouting match at some point to make it interesting.

HOU @ SAC and IND @ DET (Labatt 67): Labatt 67 has 3% alcohol, hardly enough to notice, much like no one would have noticed these games.

LAL @ GS (Goldschlager): Thought the drink with the glittery gold complimented this Cali matchup. 

MEM @ LAC (Alize): I feel like I would have enjoyed this game, so I chose a drink I enjoy sipping.  I’d like to see Chris Kaman and Zach Randolph in a foot race.  Regardless of who won, it would mark the first time ‘slow and steady’ won the race.

MIA @ NY (tall can of Hoegaarden): Hoegaarden’s one of those foreign beers that all my beer drinking friends seem to love, but I just don’t care for it.  MIA @ NY has four marquee players, but I just don’t care for them. 

MIL @ SAS (Labatt Blue): This game has domestic written all over it, but you know who isn’t living a ‘domestic’ life…  

OKC @ PHO (Jack n’ Coke):  Recently there was a changing of the guard for these two LeaguePass darlings.  KD woulda dropped 47 through three quarters.  No comment on the present Suns roster.

PHI @ TOR (Smirnoff Ice):   The drink you order for your buddies as a joke.  Not only is it effeminate, but it burns and tastes terrible going down.  I ‘might’ have tuned in on LeaguePass had this game gone to OT…might.

NJN @ WAS (Jack n’ Grind):  Ingredients for Jack n’ Grind: take a coffee mug, sprinkle in one table spoon of coffee grind, pour in a shot of Jack Daniel’s, enjoy.  A drink created by my friends as a form of punishment.  Most commonly used as a ‘pick me up’ for anyone having a lackluster night.  Watching this game would have felt like punishment. I gladly take my Jack n’ Grind in place of watching it.