2011: A Lockout Odyssey

“We do not come in peace.  Meet our demands or you will feel our wrath.  Your forces are no match for us.  All your BRI are belonged to us!” – hostile extraterrestrial labour negotiator David Stern.

Players have until 5pm today to ‘meet the owner’s demands’ which they have  voted unanimously against.  Optimism abounds that talks will resume before the deadline, and the implementation of the 'doomsday' rollback offer.  The threat made by SternCo is real, and unless the players accept the current offer (the best they will see), a deal will not be brokered. 

Taking the Kent Brockman approach, I for one welcome our new BRI overlords, as resistance is futile.  Thirteen games on tap tonight so regardless of the outcome I will be nice and blatto.

Wednesday's Games (13)

CHA @ BOS / LAC @ TOR / DAL @ NJN (White Russian): All these games are one part good, and one part bad.

CLE @ SAC / HOU @ PHI / IND @ MIL (Budweiser):  It’s the owners of these truly mid-market teams that will cause the cancellation of the season.

NYK @ ATL / SAS @ LAL / DET @ GSW (Lowenbrau): I feel like I should be hyped for these games, but I’m just not.

PHO @ MIN / POR @ DEN / UTA @ ORL (El Dorado 5 year): A few years ago these matchups would have been marquee, but not today.

MIA @ NOH (Hypnotiq):  Drinking the tasty teal drink that shares his uniform’s colour, CP3 would’ve easily had 23/15/11 in this matchup. 

Sometimes something's, a real cool hand...

Everyone’s least favourite bulldog, Derek Fisher, is involved in more drama, this time his opponent is fellow Lakers teammate, Steve Blake.  Blake is doing his bestBraveheart impression, and trying to rally the players to push for a vote on the ultimatum offer presented by SternCo. , however Fisher and other union representatives are not satisfied with the offer and would rather call the owner’s bluff than bring it to a vote.  This ultimatum offer is having one of its desired effects and shaking the union’s solidarity.   

The question floating around the internets is ‘why did Stern drop this power move so early into the lockout as there is still plenty of time before the season has to be cancelled?’.  The answer is simple, dissention in the ranks is not limited to just the players.  Mid-market teams feel they have received the short-end of the stick for awhile now, and some hardline owners are willing to lose a season if it means restructuring the system to a more mid-market friendly.  They want the players to reject the current offer, and it appears they only agreed to this offer if a ‘self destruct’ mechanism was implemented - this of it as Congress adding something ludicrous to a Bill before passing it .  Stern works for the NBA, but more accurately he works for the NBA owners.  To appease the myriad of owners they offered a deal which was only good for big market owners, and only good for mid market owners if accepted immediately.  Hardliners would only go along with the current deal if it meant basketball was in business shortly. The 72-hour deadline was Stern's diplomatic solution.  We have just passed Amber, and are now in full blown Red Alert.  The threat is real, the danger is real, this is the best offer the players will see.  I for one am scared, and I still don’t even have a girlfriend.  Luckily, drinking calms my nerves…

Tonight’s Games (5)

HOU @ IND/ OKC @ NYK/ PHO @ MEM/ UTA @ MIA (Jack and coke): I know how those people felt during the Cuban Missile Crisis, futilely hiding in bombshelters, basements, and even under tables.  Jack and coke, my old standby is about the only thing that can calm me down right now. 

LAC @ CHI* (Crystal Head Vodka): Missing this game takes me from nervous to angry.  Sipping on Dan Aykroyd’s skull head vodka cause it’s appropriate with NBAamageddon around the corner. 

The End is Near: man seeking woman

Repent ye sinners, for the end is nigh!  Once more, Saturday’s labour talk showdown ended with a bang.  This time it wasn’t Billy Hunter slamming his books shut and storming out while stomping his feet, but it was Gangsta #1, David Stern, laying the gauntlet and giving the players an ultimatum offer with threats that future offers will pale in comparison.  Now the internets are alive with wild speculation, and all signs point to NBAmagedden.  Union decertification has no longer become a question of if, but when.  I for one, am stockpiling bottled water and canned goods in preparation for the end of the (NBA) world.  Negotiations have devolved into a game of chicken and it looks like the hard-lined owners have no intention of taking their feet off the gas pedal.  If the owners make good on their threat then the players only move will be union decertification, which will lead to a legal dispute being mired in court for months thus no NBA season.

When your world is collapsing around you and impending doom is near, you find yourself doing things previously thought of as unthinkable.  I’ve began taking preemptive measure to ensure my survival should the 2011-2012 season be put out to pasture.  With all this pending free time needing to be filled I decided to take active measures and seek a girlfriend.  Usually with the NBA season in full swing I just don’t have the time to balance it and a girlfriend, plus how can I be true to a woman if my heart belongs to another?  For the first ever, I’ve posted an ad on craigslist to help me fill the chasm in my heart.  If you have a thing for NBA-obsessed booze hounds in their late 20s then reply to my ad and maybe we’ll have a connection.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to drink…

Sunday’s games (6):

CLE @ LAC, NOH @ LAL, NYN @ DET, PHI @ ORL, POR @ PHO, WAS @ MIA

I was still reeling from the drinks on Saturday, eleven games, but I easily eclipsed that amount of drinks while out at a house party, and since there were no games of note, I just sipped on a six-pack of PBR.

Tonight’s games (5):

CLE @ DEN, DAL @ TOR, LAL @ SAC, MIL @ NJN, SAS @ GSW 

Only five games on tap, and it’s the kind of pedestrian night where I would probably forego the action in favour of getting caught up on sleep.  Until someone responds to my craigslist ad, I’m still single, so I’ll drink:  Two bottles of OV, and three dark rum and cokes.

Labour Negotiations: 50% of the time, it works everytime

Recently, I saw the film ‘50/50’ which stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a young man diagnosed with a rare form of cancer which has a 50% mortality rate.  There’s a funny exchange where his best friend, played by Seth Rogen, is relieved by his friend’s odds of survival: “50%, that’s great…if you were a casino game you’d have the best odds!”  .Will there be a season?  At this point there’s a 50% chance, and unlike Rogen’s character in ‘50/50’ I do not like those odds.  While at the movie I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between it and these labour negotiations: us fans are Rogen’s character, not directly involved, but have a lot at stake emotionally; the owners and players (NBA as a whole) are Levitt’s character, who have the most at stake and could potentially ‘die’ if the cancer is not treated; and the role of cancer is played by basketball related income (BRI), which if not contained during chemotherapy (labour negotiations) could reach metastasis, and then all parties concerned are fucked.  NBA Labour negotiations have taken a tailspin this week, and it looks as if it’s all culminating today.  Let’s hope the surgery to remove the discrepancy in BRI is successful and our NBA can enjoy a long prosperous life. 


I  went to the doctor to mend my broken heart, on account of there being no NBA, and he prescribed me some drinks over the next couple days.  Here's how Friday and Saturday's games (drinks) went down...


Friday - 9 games 

BOS @ ATL / DAL @ SAS  (Redstag and coke) - Sweet drink that tastes like a Cherry Coke slushy, but I can only drink it every once and a while.


IND @ OKC / POR @ LAC  (Jack and coke) - If only this was OKC v. LAC then I'd get excited


LAL @ PHO (shot of Stoli) - The present-day Suns are a sore spot for me.  Just like my relationship with my Russian ex girlfriend.


MIL @ CHA / MIN @ PHI / SAC @ GSW (Labatt Blue) - can you say 'domesticity'? actually I have trouble saying that word, but domestic beer for domestic games.


TOR @ CLE (Jack n' Grind) - as detailed in this post, I save Jack n' Grind for the most heinous games.


Saturday - 11 Games 
I'm cheating here, but who cares.  It's Saturday, and there's 11 games so  I'll be at some house party then some bar and I'll be getting blotto (11 Jack and Cokes...minimum).

SternCo: It 'Pays' to be Shrewd

Fresh off his brouhaha with Billy Hunter, Derek Fisher is taking more heat, this time from once-relevant NBA player Jerry Stackhouse.   Stack says he doesn’t want Derek Fisher negotiating with David Stern, as Stern is too ‘shrewd’ a negotiator to tangle with.  He then was quoted as saying “those people are just good with money…what, it’s not prejudice if it’s true!”  Stackhouse believes Derek Fisher should not be involved in the negotiations because he is grossly under qualified.  Kevin Garnett came to Fisher’s defense stating that Fisher was a far greater negotiator than himself, and then screamed in Stackhouse’s face while pounding his own chest.  To be fair, Fisher’s getting a lot of unnecessary slack. Obviously, he isn’t the negotiator that Stern & Co. (SternCo) are, but that’s why Billy Hunter’s in the room right?  It’s a little late in the proceedings to realize a player cannot out-negotiate SternCo.  Today it was announced that both sides would resume talks Saturday so hopefully the end is in sight, but I would dial down your optimism meter to a meager 3.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to drink.  Slow night in the L tonight, only three games on tap.  After last night’s thirteen game banger I could use the rest, so I’m going to be a little ‘shrewd’ about the drinks today - all inexpensive beers.

Tonight’s Games – 3 (drinks in parentheses):

DEN @ POR (Lakeport beer): After last night I’m looking to take it easy so nothing fancy here.  Two teams that gave the champs a scare last year, but will struggle to make the playoffs this year. 

MEM @ UTA (Laker beer): Maybe since this is in Utah I should have had a non-alcoholic beer (won’t be the last time I make this joke).

ORL @ MIA (James Ready 5.5): Amped up the alcohol content a bit for this one.  I miss Stan Van Gundy’s faux-turtlenecks.  When the season starts back up will everyone still hate LeBron?

Dark Day on the Playground

Not only have talks broken down between the Owners and Players, but talks have broken down between the players and their representatives.  If this continues, reports indicate Derek Fisher and Billy Hunter are “gonna have it out” at 3:45pm in the quad after school.  Vegas odds heavily favour D-Fish and his bulldog-like build, but never bet against the kind of old-man strength Hunter clearly possesses – he’s like James Caan in ‘Way of the Gun’.  Plus, Hunter’s the type of guy that isn’t above throwing dirt in someone’s eyes during a fight. Levity aside, it’s a dark day for labour negotiations when we have player-on-rep violence. The players union will have to do some in-house cleaning before both sides get back to the negotiating table.  In the interim, I will continue my protest and drink.  Thirteen games on tap tonight, so let’s get straight to it.

Tonight’s Games – 13 (drink names in parentheses):

CHA @ ORL (shot of mezcal): This would be a tough game to watch as Dwight would shoot approximately 74 freethrows, and the game would basically be over by the 2^nd quarter, so I had a shot that’s tough going down, but over quick.

ATL @ MIN (Labatt Blue): boring domestic beer for a boring domestic game.

CHI @ NOH (Jack n’ Coke):  CP3 vs. D-Reezy, wow, I’m sad.  Had my all-time favourite drink in honour of these two clashing (but I’m still sad).  Was going to make a “Jannero Pargo is watching this game from Russia” joke, but a quick google search proved he's actually in the NBA who'da thunk it?

CLE @ BOS (shot of Stolichnaya [Stoli]): This one would be over quick, but you know KG and Baron would’ve had a shouting match at some point to make it interesting.

HOU @ SAC and IND @ DET (Labatt 67): Labatt 67 has 3% alcohol, hardly enough to notice, much like no one would have noticed these games.

LAL @ GS (Goldschlager): Thought the drink with the glittery gold complimented this Cali matchup. 

MEM @ LAC (Alize): I feel like I would have enjoyed this game, so I chose a drink I enjoy sipping.  I’d like to see Chris Kaman and Zach Randolph in a foot race.  Regardless of who won, it would mark the first time ‘slow and steady’ won the race.

MIA @ NY (tall can of Hoegaarden): Hoegaarden’s one of those foreign beers that all my beer drinking friends seem to love, but I just don’t care for it.  MIA @ NY has four marquee players, but I just don’t care for them. 

MIL @ SAS (Labatt Blue): This game has domestic written all over it, but you know who isn’t living a ‘domestic’ life…  

OKC @ PHO (Jack n’ Coke):  Recently there was a changing of the guard for these two LeaguePass darlings.  KD woulda dropped 47 through three quarters.  No comment on the present Suns roster.

PHI @ TOR (Smirnoff Ice):   The drink you order for your buddies as a joke.  Not only is it effeminate, but it burns and tastes terrible going down.  I ‘might’ have tuned in on LeaguePass had this game gone to OT…might.

NJN @ WAS (Jack n’ Grind):  Ingredients for Jack n’ Grind: take a coffee mug, sprinkle in one table spoon of coffee grind, pour in a shot of Jack Daniel’s, enjoy.  A drink created by my friends as a form of punishment.  Most commonly used as a ‘pick me up’ for anyone having a lackluster night.  Watching this game would have felt like punishment. I gladly take my Jack n’ Grind in place of watching it. 

David Stern: Abusive Commissioner

“You don’t know him like I do…he cares about me, he didn’t mean to hurt me.”  I plead with anyone who will listen, but it’s getting more and more difficult to defend his actions.  I believe the pain, and emotional turmoil I’m suffering is out of love, and disguised as misguided anger.  He truly cares, and once he’s back on his feet working fulltime, everything will be back to the way it was.  How can I turn my back on him, how can I forget all he has done for me?  After all, he’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  Last year was one of the most fortuitous times in our relationship, so the pain I feel now is just temporary right?  As much as I try to convince myself of this, it’s no longer true.  Eventually, I need to look myself in the mirror and be honest: he has changed. I can no longer write this off as a ‘rough patch’ in the relationship, because the ‘rough patch’ has become the relationship. 

Has David Stern turned into the ‘abusive spouse’ in the relationship between NBA Commissioner and fans of the NBA?  I believe so, and I’m done taking it.  Reports indicate that talks broke down between the Union and Owners on Friday, and things became heated:  Billy Hunter apparently closed his books and stormed off; David Stern laughed maniacally atop his throne; and Jesus wept.  I’m not ready to ‘file for divorce’ from Stern just yet, but if he doesn’t make some drastic changes soon than I have no problem ‘staying in a shelter’ (watching NCAA basketball) while this all blows over.  Please, remember the good times David, and come back.  I don’t recognize this David Stern, I want my commissioner back.  Now, onto the drinking…

Tonight’s games – 3 (drink names in parentheses):

Chicago @ Dallas (white Russian): Ouch!  Right out the gates, a marquee, possibly NBA Finals matchup.  I predicted The Bulls taking this one with relative ease as Dallas would be suffering from the proverbial championship hangover.  My favourite drink to cure a hangover is a white Russian with a cherry, so I sipped one of those.  Unfortunately my NBA-enduced hangover/withdrawal was still intact.

Houston @ Utah (Coors Light): No Yao, No DWill, No preservatives – a play on an old Coors marketing slogan.  This game would maybe get 4^th quarter attention on League Pass. [Pffftt, who am I kidding?  Opening night every game get full attention…stay strong Bombay, stay strong].

Oklahoma City @ LA Lakers (40oz Colt45):  Good Jesus!  I don’t know what’s more painful, the booze in my gut, or looking over the schedule seeing what I’m missing.  Durantula’s summer has been well documented, and he looks poised to win more than scoring titles when play resumes.  This one hurt, so I had a drink that is both nostalgic and tough to swallow, and yes, I did pour out some liquor for our beloved NBA.   

Got more drunk than I should have with only three games on tap (ha, ‘on tap’), thanks to the 40oz of malt liquor, but I was doing what Mobb Deep says “drink away the pain”.   Make sure you stop by tomorrow as there is 13 games scheduled for November 2^nd…F***!