David Stern has become a despot. Dictating and unilaterally vetoing trades which benefited the entire realm of the NBA – owners, players, and fans. Stern, acting as de facto owner of the New Orleans Hornets, passed on a trade that would have Chris Paul moved for *intake of oxygen* Fariq Al-Aminu, Eric Bledsoe, All-Star Chris Kaman, and the Minnesota Timberwolve’s first pick in the upcoming draft. Rewind a second, “All-star” Chris Kaman? Yes, the ‘Hornets’ rejecting this trade and demanding more assets from the Clippers borders on ludicrous, but I’m more interested in the moniker I heard a writer assign to more-than-serviceable-centre Kaman. You can’t argue that Kaman was selected to an All-Star team (2010). Referring to players of Kaman’s caliber as an ‘All-Star’ irks me, much like hearing ‘Academy Award nominee’ next to a serviceable actor’s name who was fortunate enough to be attached to a fantastic film - or a film with fantastic marketing (usually the latter) - and landed a fluke nomination. Oscar nominations are similar to All-Star bids in that talent and skill can be second to marketing and timing. To overhype a talent, an analyst, team official, or agent may refer to a player as an ‘All-Star’ even when they don’t necessarily have the pedigree. Hollywood studios love to throw the ‘Academy Award Nominee' label next to an actor, even when an actor’s talent is not synonymous with what an Academy Award stands for (whatever that is these days). I’ve gone through the ‘Best Supporting Actor/Actress’ nominees since 2000, and hand-picked six who earned nominations/awards, but few would label as talented actors. Then cross-referenced them with NBA All-Stars since 2000, and created three categories.
The Biopic Crash’s
Actors: Joaquin Phoenix (2000) Gladiator / Jamie Foxx (2004) Collateral
Joaquin Phoenix is to River Phoenix as Puff Daddy is to Biggie Smalls. Scathing hyperbole aside, Phoenix is a talented actor and for a few years had cornered the 'angst-ridden effeminate male' market, but was he one of the best actors in Hollywood? His nomination for Gladiator, that year’s Best Picture winner (uugghhh), can be chalked-up to the studio’s marketing blitz. Joaquin was later nominated for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. Fred Durst could have played this role and been nominated. The Academy has a soft spot for biopics about nostalgia-era musicians.
Jamie Foxx is a talented comedian, and serviceable dramatic actor and musician, but does he belong in the same category as Morgan Freeman (2004’s Best Supporting Actor)? 2004 was Foxx’s year, as along with being nominated for Collateral, he won Best Actor for his portrayal as Ray Charles in the aptly named Ray. Again, the Academy has a soft spot for biopics about nostalgia-era musicians, and his award is more indicative of that than his acting talent.
The All-Stars
Brad Miller (2003) (2004) – A deft passing big man with soft touch. like Jamie Foxx, Brad Miller peaked in ’04. During this time he averaged 13/8 and 14/9 on very solid Indiana and Sacramento teams. His All-Star selections, are a reflection of those teams, much like Joquin Phoenix’s Gladiator nomination is a reflection of the Academy's love for the film.
David West (2008) (2009) – Chris Paul is to David West’s All-Star selection as Michael Mann is to Jamie Foxx’s nomination for Collateral.
Andrei Kirilenko (2004) – A long-time fantasy team All-Star, Kirilenko was selected based on his defense and ability to fill a stat-sheet. In 2004, your team was in good shape if Andrei was your third best ‘fill the holes’ player, but in rough shape if he was your only All-Star.
Anthony Mason (2001) – This is a ‘body of work’ All-Star selection (The Academy Awards love handing these out as well). A defensive stalwart of the ‘90s Knicks, Mason had an impressive NBA career but is maybe best remembered for his awkward free throw release.
The Indie Film Darlings
Mark Ruffalo (2010) The Kids are All Right / Catherine Keener (2005) Capote
Mark Ruffalo is handsome and affable, and he’s something Bill Simmons would refer to as a ‘bring to the table guy’ – he brings positive attributes to a film without detracting anything - but an elite actor he is not. Ruffalo’s nomination came on the wings of the indie, same-sex marriage drama, The Kids are All Right.
As far as legit ‘momshells’ go, Catherine Keener is a stunner for her age. Much like Ruffalo, she is attractive and likeable with a smile that puts you at ease. She was nominated for 2005’s biopic Capote, where she did a remarkable job of complementing Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s harrowing Truman Capote by basically staying out of the way.
The All-Stars
Zydrunas Ilgauskas (2003) – You’re 7’3, now report to the All-Star game. Lithuania’s response to Frankenstein’s monster, a seven-footer with shooting touch, and peanut butter for knee cartilage.
Mehmet Okur (2007) – The man can flat-out shoot, but if he’s taking the bulk of your shots, you’re in trouble. Okur’s most suited role was the supporting one he played with the ’04 Champion Detroit Pistons. Like Keener, he’s best served complementing legit All-Stars.
Devin Harris (2009) – Apparently pissed off for being traded, Harris was a man possessed his first year-plus in New Jersey. Harris’ performance impressed Nets brass so much that they imported legit All-Star point guard Deron Williams.
The Slumdog Millionaire’s
Mark Wahlberg (2006) Departed / Mo’Nique (2009) Precious
In ten years, when reflecting back on these nominations, even the people who voted for them will wince. Mark Wahlberg did a remarkable job of playing himself, if he were a cop, in 2006’s stellar ‘The Departed’. Nominating Wahlberg as a foul-mouthed prick from Boston is like nominating Eminem for his portrayal of a white low-class aspiring rapper in 8 Mile: art imitates life, imitates art, imitates…
No one can deny Mo'Nique's powerhouse supporting role, in one of the best movies of the last ten years. I’m speaking of course, about Mo’Nique’s portrayal of Cheery in the criminally underrated comedy Beerfest. Marky Mark and Mo’Nique forever synonymous with excellence in acting.
The All-Stars
Chirs Kaman (2010) – In early 2009 he was Western Conference player of the week, on a Blake-less Clippers squad. Kaman has solid footwork, and nice touch around the hoop, but is a prime example of anybody can put up good numbers on a bad team.
Dale Davis (2000) / Antonio Davis (2001) – No they aren’t related, but yes they are the same person. Back to back All-Star bids. Antonio Davis as an All-Star Center (all 6’8 of him) proves ‘you can’t teach height’ (no literally, look at the guy).
Jamaal Magloire (2004) – A Center who averaged 13/10 while shooting well below 50% from the field, but hey he’s an ‘All-Star’. How's that Smash Mouth song go? "Hey now, you're an All-Star..." something like that.
Wally Szczerbiak (2002) – Must be the eyebrows.
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